Dear ex Buddy,

This is something I’ve wanted to tell you for some time now:

I don’t think I can stick around much longer without losing the shreds of respect I have left for our friendship.

—The friendship that used to exist at any rate. Because right now, I’m tired of being here for you when you take it all for granted and don’t do anything for us.

I don’t want to hurt you.

But I don’t know how much more I can take.

So maybe,

Maybe while I’m feeling resolved enough,

I’ll say this:

Don’t call me buddy now. 

I’m not your buddy anymore.

And just disappear for a bit.

Ever felt like just going missing for a period of time?

Like you don’t want to keep in touch with anyone you know, like you don’t want to touch your phone, or facebook, or twitter, or youtube or tumblr and just go somewhere far far away where nothing’ll matter and no one will know you?

Its as though you’ve been holding back too much. As though the world has somehow pre-arranged all they expect of you. And you do it. 

But then you get so tired of doing what you should do. And you just want to show that you are unpredictable, you aren’t the person they see most of the time, and most of all, you just want to be yourself and feel like yourself and be. 

Just to be once more, and not be weighed down by anything.

Not by people who know you, people who love you, people who think they know you, and people who seem to care, but may not.

All the pretentious qualities within and without - you just want to throw it to the wind and run off. And say this is me. And for this period of time, I don’t want to care about all this. I don’t need to care about all this.

Its like liberation.

Because when no one knows you, and when no one knows where you are or how to find you,

when you’re away, and when you’re out of reach,

that’s close to the safest place you’ll be; all to yourself, without responsibilities to others. Without having to care for them when they don’t care enough about you. Without having to do things for them that they may not appreciate. Without having to hear all their troubles, when they never see yours.

Its my chance to be selfish for once. To care for myself. 

Because sometimes I’m just so tired of giving and getting nothing back.

Because the world isn’t a kind place, and I need to search for a selfless beauty that’s been lost somewhere down the line, that i’ve stopped being at the receiving end of. That I’ve forgotten.

And if I can’t see it in my world, maybe I can see it in a foreign one, where no one has to care for me. And if they do, it’ll be something on their own accord.

I just want to be free. Can you understand that feeling?

I just need to get away.

Because when nothings matters, 

that’s when I do.

It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I care too much.

"Sometimes its easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes its easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes its easier to be numb towards certain people so I don’t let them get too close. sometimes I’m scared. But when I act numb towards you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I care too much." -Janet Finch, White Oleander